The light in them goes out.

Now, before anyone goes judging me for still communicating with my first love and being involved with his life, my husband is 100% aware of EVERYTHING. He knows our history, he knows why I am part of his life still and the kind of friendship we have. When I met this guy, he wasn't heavily into drugs. In fact, we were internet pen pals while he was in a 'rehab' like setting. I offered him an outlet, someone to listen, someone to visit while he got the help he needed. I always saw a light in him. That sparkle people have when they truly love life. We cared for each other. We really did. We just never ended up in a relationship. Why? He started to use more.

I spent several years telling this man how much I cared about him. He spent years pushing me away. Holding on to me from a distance. I always asked myself why? After I had moved on, and met the person that I can without a doubt say I am meant for, he told me why. He knew my hopes and my dreams. That I wanted a family. A big one. I wanted a husband, a home and a future. He knew from day one, that no matter how much he loved me in return, he never could give me that. It was easier to break me than drag me to his level. To this day, I am thankful for that. He was unselfish and let me have the future I wanted. The one he knew I deserved.

Fast forward. He has a child and a girlfriend. I have 4 kids and my wonderful husband. People really don't understand why I still keep in touch with this guy. How we are friends or why we are. It's because I am his hope. I am his sanity when he REALLY is going off the deep end with his addiction. He knows that no matter if we go 6 months without talking, he can contact me. No questions asked. Because even though we no longer have feeling for each other, we know that we have a great friendship. Recent months, he tells me that he's been revived with Narcan several times. His sweet mother who I adore has had to watch her son laying on her living room floor dying. Today, I took him around town to do errands and he informed me that his mother keeps narcan in several locations. Not because she supports his habit, but because she knows he's going to use. I listened to him tell me how he's going to the methadone clinic and how he's working on getting clean. Above all of the listening, I watched him.

I watched him without even realizing it. Enough so that I know he isn't going to remain clean. He's let his addiction consume him. He wants to end his hunger for it, I can see that. But I can see that he never will be able to. Later when I dropped him off, he sent me a text. It said 'I'm just not my normal self". This alone, makes me want to cry. It makes me want to cry because I saw today that the light in him.. has gone out. He is just a shell of a person, the one I once knew. I ache for the person I knew. Not for me, but for his girlfriend, his child and his family. I knew him BEFORE the addiction. That's the hard part. I've spent years watching it consume him. Now, he's drowning in it and I cant save him.

This right here is why I remain friends with him. Nobody should have to go through addiction alone. I send a message every few weeks If I don't hear from him.. Just to make sure he's alive. My husband understands this, as he has been my rock for almost 8 years when I've needed. How can you give up on someone who never did you? Even if addiction has taken that light from them. I hope that I make a difference to him, somewhere along the way. That he can see he isn't completely alone in this battle.

Until today, I have never had as much sympathy for addiction as I do right now. I still stand by my belief that it's a choice.. but I feel so much sadness for addicts. Especially the ones who are trying so hard to stop being consumed. The ones who have lost the light but are searching for it again.