Let's talk about the D word..

Now that I have your attention. Let's talk about depression. More specifically, Postpartum Depression. I suffered it. You may have too. An average of 11.5% of new mothers are diagnosed with Postpartum Depression in the US each year. That's the percent of woman who go see a doctor! I imagine the numbers are much higher as most go without ever telling someone. I want to talk about something serious because I've suffered it and I see a lot of my friends having babies or have had them recently. Here's my story. Maybe it'll encourage you to speak up, speak out and seek help.

I've suffered from depression for a good portion of my life, I'm used to that. I had my first child with no problem. No issue. Even with a 3 week NICU stay and being a single mother. I felt great after my first, on top of the world actually. I had my second baby a year and a half later. My life was in a much better place than when I had my first. I was engaged to be married, knew the routine of a new baby. I thought 'What a cake walk this will be!' Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. I found myself more 'depressed' than I was used to. I googled and googled and determined I had baby blues. I'll come out of it, no big deal. I told no one how I was feeling. It wasn't the baby blues.

Weeks after my son was born, I found myself still glued to my mothers living room chair. Glued to the tv. Not even watching it. Mindlessly staring at it to pass the days. I wasn't changing out of pajamas and showering only when I finally had no choice. I would cry, several times a day for no reason. All I ever did was cry! I barely even took care of my kids! I did enough to keep them 'content' until their dad would come home. Diaper change, food and that was about it. Was I a bad mother? No. I wasn't. But, I was not the mother I knew I was. I let this go on for over 6 weeks. Even went to the follow up with my OB and assured her that everything was perfect on the home front.

It wasn't. It hadn't been. At that point, I constantly questioned if my partner loved me, I spent hours a day questioning his love for me. In my own head, and out loud to him. He knew I wasn't right and expressed that several times, because people who do love you.. they know you're off. It them became questioning if my children loved me. (yes, if my newborn and 1 1/2 year old loved me). I would hold my newborn when we were alone and sobbed because I wasn't being fair to him. I wasn't giving him what he needed. That's when the thoughts of them being better off without me started. What if they REALLY were?. If I was this 'fucked up', why should I screw a childs life up too? I thought of killing myself so many times, and sometimes even imagined a way I could do it.

My husband kept questioning me about my mental health state, telling me I wasn't going through this alone. That he had seen postpartum depression before. I reassured him I did NOT have that! NO WAY. Not me! I LOVE my kids, I love being a mom! Only moms who don't love their kids or life get that! I kept pushing him away, closing off. One night, We were driving home from a trip and I started to cry. Uncontrollably sobbing. He told me to pull over. He told me the car wouldn't be going anywhere until I explained the sudden tears. On that drive, out of no where.. I thought 'I want to throw my car into a tree'. It took everything in me not to do that. Not because of me, but because I knew the man I loved was in the seat beside me. If he hadn't been with me, I probably would of done it. In that moment, I had never felt the desire to end my life more. He let me sit on side of the road crying for over half an hour because I couldn't understand WHY this was happening. He told me that I needed to see someone, it wasn't my fault.

The next day, I saw my OB. She diagnosed me with postpartum depression and started me on medication immediately. I had let it go so long that I actually had to go see a therapist too. It took me months to feel the same. To this day, I still question if my middle childs bond with his father is because I wasn't as present his first few months. Sometimes, It still destroys me. It wont always go away alone, and you should never face it alone. It's okay to not be okay after having a baby. It may feel like an elephant in the room or that it's a burden to ask for help, but it isn't. I promise that your loved ones would rather help you than have you suffer. Below I have included a link to a page with the symptoms in cause anyone even has a slight feeling they know someone who may be suffering.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/postpartum-depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20376617